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TextALoveIsaFallacy
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MaxShulman
[1]CoolwasIandlogi，g，perspicacious，adastute—Iwasallofthese.Mybrainowerfulasadynamo，preciseasachemist’sscales，aspeingasasd—thinkofit!—Ioeen.
[2]Itisonesoyounghassutiake，forexample，PeteyBellows，myroommateattheuy.Sameage，samebad，butdumbasanox.Anioughfellow，youuand，butnothingupstairs.Emotioable.Impressioofall，afaddist.Fads，Isubmit，aretheveryioobesweptupihatesalong，tosurreoidiocyjustbecauseeverybodyelseisdoingit—this，tome，istheai，however，toPetey.
[3]OernoonIfoueylyingohanexpressionofsuchdistressoIimmediatelydiagis.“Don’tmove，”
Isaid，“Doive.I’llgetadoctor.”
[4]“Raumbledthickly.
[5]“Ra?”
Isaid，pausinginmyflight.
[6]“Petey，why?Lookatitrationally.Racoatsareunsanitary.Theyshed.Theysmellbad.Theyweightoomuch.They’reunsightly.They—”
[7]“Youdoaerruptedimpatiently.“It’sthethingtodo.Don’tyouwaheswim?”
[8]“No，”
Isaidtruthfully.
[9]“Well，Ido，”
hedeclared.“I’dgiveanythingforaraything!”
[10]Mybrain，thatpreeohighgear.“Anything?”
Iasked，lookingathimnarrowly.
[11]“Anything，”
heaffirmedinringingtones.
[12]Istrokedmythoughtfully.ItsohappeIkmyhandsonarayfatherhadhadoneiedays;itlaynowinatruie.ItalsohappePeteyhadsomethingIwahaveitexactly，butatleasthehadfirstrightsoohisgirl，PollyEspy.
[13]IhadloedPollyEspy.Letmeemphasizethatmydesireforthisyoungwomanwasionalinnature.Shewas，tirlwhoexcitedtheemotions，butIwasmyheartrulemyhead.Iollyforashrewdlycalculated，entirelycerebralreason.
[14]IwasafreshmaninlawsafewyearsIwouldbeoutinpractice.Iareoftheimportakiheringalawyer’scareer.ThesuccessfullawyersIhadobservedwere，almostwithoutexarriedtobeautiful，gratelligehoneomission，Pollyfittedthesespesperfectly.
[15]Beautifulshewas.Shewasofpin-upproportions，butIfeltthattimewouldsupplythelack.Shealreadyhadthemakings.
[16]Graciousshewas.Bygraeanfullofgraces.Shehadanesse，anease，apoisethatdicatedthebest.Attablehermae.Ihadseeingasandwichthatedscrapsravy，uts，andadipperofsauerkraut—withouteveingherfi.
[17]Ishewasnot.Infact，sheveerediedire.ButIbelievedthatundermyguidanartenup.Atawasworthatry.Itis，afterall，easiertomakeabeautifuldumbgirlsmartthantomakeanuglysmartgirlbeautiful.
[18]“Look，”
IsaidtoPeteywhenIgotba.Ithrewopedrevealedthehuge，hairy，gamyobjectthatmyfatherhadworninhisStutzBear1925.
[19]“HolyToledo!”
saidPeteyreverently.Heplungedhishandsintotheradtheoledo!”
herepeatedfifteeimes.
[20]“Wouldyoulikeit?”
Iasked.
[21]“Ohyes!”
hecried，gthegreasypelttohiThenaeintohiseyes.“Whatdoyouwantforit?”
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